Erstwhile Muse

May 14, 2007

Eng 251 - External Journal Entry #4

If a movie were being made about your life, who would you cast as yourself and the important people in your life?

Ugh…asking a red-headed male to assign a celebrity avatar to himself is akin to asking a body conscious woman her weight—not a particularly wise plan of action if one wishes to avoid a rant of epic proportions. But, in deference to concerns of time and space, I will attempt to keep the polemics to a minimum and provide a concise rebuttal to the question.

The problem with the question is the fact that there aren't that many red haired celebrities at any one time, and the follicle hue in question is unique enough to be a defining characteristic for many people. This inevitably leads to those of us not in the public limelight being compared to individuals whose sole matching trait is hair color. For a while it was Ron Howard, who is somewhat similar to myself in height, but facially and body build wise we are nothing alike. The most recent and more galling comparison—strictly for the reason that I have a drastically different sense of humour—is Conan O'Brien, a more laughable comparison for numerous reasons, a drastic height difference most obvious amongst them. Of course even Conan is preferable to much older comparisons to Howdy Fucking Doody…let me tell you, there's nothing better for a budding ego than to be compared to a goofy ass puppet.

That last bit was sarcasm for those of you not paying attention.

So to hell with delegating the role to any actor, if I'm in charge of casting, I'm going to put myself in the role. I've done acting before, both on a amateur and professional basis,and it's not like the part would be a big stretch, artistically speaking. Besides, there are some obvious benefits to taking the role myself, like finding a suitable part for Sarah McLeod in order to finally get myself some sweet sweet hobbit lovin', even if it requires a dream sequence to accomplish.

Which brings us to the second part of the question, who to stick with the parts of my friends and family. As averse as I am to having myself portrayed by another in this regard, I'm also rather reluctant to assign stand-in personas to people I know based on my own, obviously colored perceptions. Sure there are some amusing solutions I could choose for certain individuals, like getting Gary Oldman to play Hocker simply to pander to various females we know, or getting either Brendan Fraser (if I'm in a particularly vindictive mood) or Henry Rollins (if I'm feeling especially beneficent) to play Stremanos' part. Note that I don't feel these choices really in any way portray the actuality of the individual involved; in the former case the comparison is somewhat welcome, while in the latter case (or at least , the former choice of the latter case) it is about as welcome as being compared to a brightly painted block of wood, i.e. not at all.

So if anyone out there gets a strange hankering to make a movie of my life? Just wait till I'm dead please? The worst that can happen is I come back to haunt you from whatever strange secular heaven I end up in…



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